Indiana Jones And The Bedpan Of Doom

In a shock press conference ealier today, it was revealed by Paramount Pictures executive Dwight Lardenburger III (Jr) that the new Indiana Jones film "Indiana Jones And The Bedpan Of Doom" will start its shooting schedule later this year.

In a departure from the previous four Indiana Jones films films, the director Steven Spielberg today spoke of his excitement at the prospect of filming in Hastings, Bognor Regis, and Worthing. "I'm looking forward to your famous English fish and chips there," the legendary film maker said.

Although plot details are yet unknown, sources reveal that Jones, played by grizzled octogenarian Harrison Ford, starts his adventure in the "Acacia Breeze Retirement Home" where in between playing dominoes, he likes to urinate in his own trousers with other aged types such as Daddy Papersurfer. It is there that Daddy Pee tells him of the sacred lost bedpan. Helping Indiana Jones on his quest will be that know-it-all irritating tosser Tony Robinson and his "Time Team". The wankers.

Working on the film with Spielberg, George Lucas could hardly contain his excrement....I mean excitement. "I'm absolutely thrilled. To be allowed to film in such an awesome location is fascinating. It does reek of piss though." A huge action scene is to be the centrepiece of the movie. Apparently, Indy confronts a tourist who has accidentally damaged his catheter bag whilst he sits in his wheelchair overlooking the beach. They then do battle with a couple of deckchairs and a packet of Custard Creams.

Formula One supremo Max Mosley has been lined up to play the evil whip-cracking suspenders-and-fishnets wearing Nazi mayor of Bognor who is intent on finding the sacred lost bedpan for himself. Other supporting actors in the film will include A-list stars Bruce Forsythe, Freddie Starr, Bobby Davro and that tit Les Dennis. Meanwhile, Jones's love interest will be celebrated local whelk vendor Sheila Soapdodger, played by gorblimey slapper Lily Allen.

Shortarsed nob-end Tony Robinson revealed a bit more about the plot. "My Time Team and Jones strike up a friendship, and are determined to find the bedpan. However, me and Jones become embroiled in an argument when I get him a Strawberry Cornetto, instead of the Choc'n'Nut Feast Lolly he wanted. After this, both of us become sworn enemies. I split up from Indiana and Time Team and try to look for the sacred treasure myself."

With these exciting revelations, 'Indiana Jones And The Bedpan Of Doom' has become the most highly anticipated release ever since My Little Pony: The Movie back in 1992. I urge you all to slit your throats in celebration.